Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can we PLEASE stop using the term “beast mode”? Unless you’re running around jungle, naked, stalking and killing animals with your bare hands and eating them raw, you’re NOT a beast, you’re just another douchebag lifting weights in the gym…tha

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   it rude to shoot yourself in the face when someone's talking?

   I'm bringing Tipsy back.

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   It's pretty cool that evolution knew we'd eventually need pinky fingers to hold our phones.

   Pants are for people with something to hide.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies is that I'm the best around.. and nothings ever gonna keep me down.

   Would like to take all of the warning labels off everything toxic and weed out the stupid people

   I have been looking since 1986, and I still haven't found a highway to a danger zone.

   You know you're lazy when you have a one bedroom apartment and still want to hire a cleaning lady.

   The mosquito's are requesting a human sacrifice, please send help.

   My new nickname at work should be "Laxative" cause I make sh*t happen.

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   I know it's your birthday and all but the Star bucks gift card aint happening!!

   Dear people who think its cool to flip off the camera when getting their pics taken; Why are you so mad? Did someone sodomise you as a kid?