Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   My cat just accidentally walked on my laptop keyboard and got me an online degree in the process.

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   I used to think a sex change is what a hooker gives you back when you pay using a 100 dollar bill.

   Nothing like watching a Nicholas Cage movie to remind you that your life could be worse, you could be Nicholas Cage.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.

   I don’t understand what this pen was doing in my pocket but it looks like it enjoyed itself, it even came.

   My browser just told me it blocked a pop up and I gave it a cookie.

   When a woman says she’s speechless, free up 8 hours in your day because she’s about to say a lot.

   If you don’t go down on your girl. Stop being worried if she’s cheating on you or not. She is.

   Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.

   Please promise me that you will kill me if I ever get Amanda Bynes crazy.

   every morning I tell myself this is all a dream, amanda bynes is normal and destiny's child is still together