Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids are cute until they start using drugs

   You know you've made a mistake when you accept a friend request from someone, look at their page, then notice it says you have "27 Mutual Victims."

   I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband. "Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the 23 hours.

   a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!

   "Oh No!" "I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there are doctors everywhere!"

   Judging off of the taste of Special K cereal, I can only imagine how terrible Normal K cereal must taste.

   Right now I'm going through a Chex-mix phase, so I guess you can call me "Chexually active".

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   Need an Ark?, I Noah Guy. 

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   I did not pass my gun safety class, so I can only carry at night.

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   I saw this guy using a flip cell phone, just like the one Lincoln used

   To the virgin bellow; Maybe its those crocs you wear.

   Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction

   I really dont understand why I’m still a virgin when I have never watched any Twilight Movie or bought any Justin Bieber Album in my whole life.