Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my smartphone was smart enough to shout from under the sofa's buttcrack, "I AM HERE!"

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   news says ,Bcos of Michael Douglas, lots of guys visititing cancer checking centers lol...Thanks, Michael Douglas

   “You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians

   I have no tolerance for stupid people because, in most cases, stupidity is voluntary. They made a conscious decision to exist in that state.

   Cigarettes take 50 years to kill you. I'm more worried about the stuff that does it quickly like sharks, lightning, women or flamethrowers.

   Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.

   Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   in my next relationship, I'm going to pretend I'm deaf...

   seems like they'd have an app for the smart phones & tablets where you can just write down important things for the ppl that forget stuff.....on the ipad & iphone they can call it "iforget"

   balloons are so weird. "happy birthday, here's a rubber sack of my breath."

   McDonalds Golden Arches is kind of like Batman's Bat-Signal for fat people....

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes sayin "Hey Yo....I asked for mayo".

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone else's humor.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone elses humor.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour.

   A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.