Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   In a survival situation you can drink your own urine. Fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the bottle and I didn't need to.

   Thanks US Postal Service for putting garbage in my mailbox so I can bring it in my home and then take it out to the trashcan later.

   I can't win for nothing! Parent just told me I need to eat cause I'm getting to skinny. This was the same parent that told me 2 yrs ago I was fat and stop eating!

   ...I can't believe we haven't heard anything else from Michael Douglas. I guess the cat's got his tongue...

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   enough with the gun control debate already. Just make guns illegal and there will never be another problem again. Just like all the other things they made illegal and you never hear about again. Like, murder, rape, kidnappings, drugs. etc.......

   I called the Police on my neighbor, but they were on tour and all I could get a hold of was their manager.

   I like you a lottle, it's like a little, except a lot.