Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!

   Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?

   Chad Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's ass. Good thing he didn't bring a cooler of Gatorade.

   If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.

   Negative people need drama like oxygen.Stay positive...it will take their breath away ..!

   Never date someone that you don't really like. the desire to be wanted is different from the desire to be with the one you love

   I'm looking for a retractable leash. I hate when my pet turtle gets ahead of me when I go for a run.

   12 years of the Patriot Act and now people are upset about Verizon?

   Verizon's new slogan: Kenya hear me now.

   "I never say never." Liars...

   Booze Allen called and asked if I still wanted the IT Securities job. I responded by saying I'm not going to Prism messing with y'all.

   look guys, if you're 40+ and your profile picture is of your car, you're not doing life right...

   Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.

   █████████████████████ Take that prism!

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.