Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   Happy Birthday Sasha Obama! For her birthday, her daddy gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

   The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark.

   Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.

   Running into your therapist at the liquor store is therapeutic.

   I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.

   Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!

   Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of us for a second.

   Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there

   Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile

   Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard

   You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   Religion is like tequila; relatively harmless, but excessive quantities will make you do stupid things.

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.