Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you've no choice but to cheat on your girl with her best friend, not because you are a low down dirty dog but just to show her, her ‘best friend’ is a fake friend. In fact she should thank you for it.

   I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok

   Sometimes you got to talk to someone only once to realize why everyone else avoids them like a plague.

   I meant to tell her she's weird but ended up writing wired. Anyway, still appropriate coz you know, NSA.

   Seriously B EGO. You need to stop this habit of liking the smell of your own sh*t, I mean your own p 0sts.

   i must be part zombie because i've been looking for a woman with brains

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   I survived Alberta Flood 2013

   I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life..

   I have a smart phone with a dumbass battery.

   DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your as% is wrapped around a tree.

   R.I.P. to all my ex's.. The funeral will be held at "Never Again Christian Church" On the corner of "I'm done Road" & "F*ck you Avenue"

   "instagram are you okay?" "yeah i'm vine" "what was that" "i said i'm fine"

   Kids today will never understand the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. All they can do is just poke at a screen.

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant have a nice day!'

   Bi&ches Be Like Wake up *pic* Get dressed *pic* School Flow *pic* Bored *pic* With Bae *pic* No Filter *pic* Goodnight *pic* Goodnight *pic*

   Paula Deen would like everyone to know she is sincerely sorry that there are other races.

   Dear skinny gym girls... exercise and yoga pants don't fix ugly.

   do we really care what kim kardasian named her next tv show?

   Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?