Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??

   A sense of humor is a man's cleavage

   I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed

   I burn bridges just to be able to light up my bong.

   BREAKING NEWS!! Hillary will not be running for Prez in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy!

   Me Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.

   mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult

   If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.

   I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.

   The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.

   It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic