Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.

   With the amount of talking they do, why aren't women better rappers?

   Avoid sharing your alcohol, by surrounding yourself with people that don't drink.

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait nope, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   The reason why it's so hard to understand Rachel Jeantel at the Zimmerman trial is not because she's uneducated, it's because she has multiple necks. So it just takes a lil longer for her words to travel.

   I'm tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ's sake people, don't you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!