Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not superstitious; you're super-stupid!

   Wooing a girl is just where you keep shouting WOO! in their face, right?

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   Why does the girl in the Wendy's commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   I signed up for the peace corps, but it sucks. Their definition of missionary is a lot different from what I thought when I told them on the application that is what I was interested in.

   Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..

   Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time.

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

   Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.

   If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.

   Locks of love should just visit my shower.