Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.

   Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.

   Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.

   Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys!

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ

   Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...

   In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.

   Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.

   I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken

   So let me get this straight (pun intended), I have to travel to California to marry Ryan Gosling?!

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   The next couple of years are going to rock for wedding crashing!