Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   V I think the Supreme Court and most government officials went to the same summer camp

   I only support gay marriage because I am afraid to deal with what happened to me at summercamp....but I am straight

   as a proud bully, I am tired of being picked on and harassed by these antibully people.

   eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets.

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.