Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   This beer sure tastes like I'm on vacation next week!!!

   There's something about today that wants me to be hungover tomorrow.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist but,,, Wooooop Wooooop Rearrearrearrear

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   Cocaine worth estimated R10 000 000( $1000 000) was confisticated inside Obama's luggage, in his defense, Obama said people must keep their NOSE out of his business

   I bet guys called Brendan wish they could get the drugs their parents were taking when they were picking baby names.

   Whenever a friend shows me a picture of their boyfriend who's unattractive & they say "he's a keeper" I'm thinking, "yeah in the basement"

   I did the dishes, baby. And don’t worry I only broke 37 of them. Oh I did the laundry too. You wanted the whites pink now, right?

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.

   Paula Dean is currently at home watching the George Zimmerman trial in disgust.

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   Dear advertisers. I'm playing a game I downloaded for free. What about me screams I want to buy your product?

   Women use more words to drop subtle hints than to actually tell the thing.

   People who give an unconditional credit to the work of original thinker, writer and doer, deserve an equal plaudit. JOKES they deserve a kick in the ass.

   911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty

   ♫ ♫ I don't know what to do. I don't now WHAT to DO. High ho the dairy ho....I think I'll just drink some wine ♪ ♪