Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!

   Sometimes when I have a heavy lunch, the only thing I keep thinking after it is "I hope I digest the food before dinner time".

   I'd trade my heart for a liver. Less love and more alcohol.

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   burger king just launched in S.A. ~ Obama is here just to make sure all the american franchises and wallmart are doing well.

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Unless your baby rolled a blunt, please don’t bore me telling me about how he did the cutest thing.

   black jesus is here, time for change! ~ south africans

   Women love compliments. Unless it’s about her hairy chest or her moustache. Then you’ll get hit in the face with a handbag.

   GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever been with a fat chick? ME: Nope, you're the first one. GIRLFRIEND: What?

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   Does running out of money count as exercise?

   I can't wait until everyone is on board with gay marriage so we can move on to marrying our phones.

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.