Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   The rabbit trying to get breakfast from our garden is now under an artillery barrage from the left over bottle rockets from the Forth of July

   Paula Deen finally got a job,at Whiteys Honkeytonk,only serves white bread and crackers

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your t!ts

   Medical Fact: If a women drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

   Try to be the person your dog thinks you are.

   I hope Kate Middleton doesn't have a misscarriage or Elton John will write a song about it.

   Life is a jingle as long as you are single. Once you are double you are inviting trouble.

   Stupid people should be made to pay for Oxygen.

   Finding your purpose in life is kind of like finding the G-Spot. Nobody needs to tell you, you'll know when you find it.

   If you're going to be stupid, don't do it on Facebook.

   Don't ask me how my night was coz I don't know. I was asleep.

   I'm pretty intelligent if you ask me and only me.

   Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.

   I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

   Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.