Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.

   I feel most at one with my phone when I can see that it's desperately searching too.

   Some people believe,we shouldn't say things that offend other people...Well...If my posts offend you then are intended, just for you..!

   I wonder who coined the phrase, "Once you go black, you never go back"...because I personally changed it to... "Once you go baby wipe, you never go 2 ply".

   Of course I'm into sports, I love surfing :-) ....surfing on the Internet, that is :P

   Happy 237th birthday America, you have achieved a level of corruption that rivals the crown we freed ourselves from.

   220 Koreans in a plane crash.... No wonder we already have so many photos of the wreckage. (>_<)

   What do our phones do when we go to sleep? Do they go have some fun? Or do they stare at us?

   When I find a phone book on my porch, I know that reverse time travel is real. It is people from the past just messing with me.

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   Your ability to provide food is the only thing keeping your cat from murdering you.

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   Dreamt I was 400lbs, while being fanned with palm fronds last night.. Now headed to Golden Corral with a powerball ticket to make it reality.

   Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.

   If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!

   I feel like if I wake up in a new Bugatti , I'm probably getting arrested in the near future.

   Baby it's not you, it's me. But it's me because of you.

   The letter O is just a Q that has stopped smoking.

   Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?