Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 2yo is super bossy. He is telling everyone what to do. Oh I gotta go he said I have to get off the computer...

   According to Catholics beliefs, when a Pope dies, he has to perform two miracles from the grave so that he can be considered a SAINT. And you say religion is not DUMB.

   lights off : there in grown hairs, lights on: there herpes

   "Mom I'm Pregnant" White Mom: "WE HAVE TO GET YOU ON 16 & PREGNANT!" Black Mom: " I Done Told Yo Fast Ass Sleepin Around , We Going To Maury"

   To my American friends 9/11 will never be forgotten. ... much like 7/11/95 to my countrymen in Bosnia...RiP to all 8.980 that lost their lives in Srebrenica massacer and may God be with their families

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   This rain is really starting to become a pain in my grass!

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   The Judge in the Zimmerman trial looks like Chris Farley

   .If the head is split you must acquit

   I bet Zimmerman didn't even kill Martin. I bet it was Aaron Hernandez....

   The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history :)

   Martial law is coming. Fight for your freedom. Fight for the right to live. Stop the New World Order.

   It's 3am and I was wondering why there are birds still awake and chirping outside my window. Must have gotten their sleeping patterns messed up...or they probably do shift work.

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.

   I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals

   My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash... and it is gone!

   Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"

   Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you!