Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

   I feel a spree coming on... Now its up to you.... Shopping or Killing?

   it doesn't matter if you don't like my personality... I have several more!

   i like that you try to compete with me. At least you have a goal...unrealistic and unatainable, but at least its a goal!

   I'm only stalking you cause I know you have an extra burger in that Mcdonalds bag.

   I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.

   Stop saying that I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the Liquor store is....

   Coffee, You're on the bench. Alcohol...suit up!

   After a night out home with girls, they brought me home with their car. As I entered my crib, I shouted"Thanks for the RIDE girls...and bringing me home.

   I joke on Paula Deen being racisst but if she start a plantation with free food I'd be right there like Samuel L Jackson in Django.

   I pooped the other day and called it Peter. That is the closest I have come to playing Call of Duty.

   If my girl dance with another guy she flirting with death

   Discussion of Corvettes. Making people argue and act little weinies since 2013.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS. JURORS IN THE GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TRIAL HAVE ORDERED TUNAFISH SANDWICHES ON WHOLE WHEAT, AND SWEET TEA.

   Maybe nobody loves you because you're boring and needy. Calm down, I said maybe.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   Weed is legal in 2 states. Having s3x with a horse is legal in 23. Good job, America.

   Corvettes... Making haters hate since 1953.

   Corvettes. Helping poor men pretend they have big dongs since 1953...

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing, someone else does.