Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.

   If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.

   Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run.

   It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson.

   If someone steals your identity you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.