Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   Breaking news: George Zimmerman to throw out first pitch at tonights All star game

   Why is it that so many people now want to kill a good guy to avenge the death of a bad guy?

   I still have every movie I've ever rented.

   If your girl has never hit you…you’re probably not that attractive.

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   We let anxiety drive so we could use our energy to worry about crashing.

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?"

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   @piersmorgan I'll give away all my weapons, if you axe Rachel Jeantel to read a letter that's written in cursive.... PLEASE

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.

   maybe because running a country is NOT like running a business !

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.