Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!

   George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again

   I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.

   This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..

   I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?

   How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....

   Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?

   If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Hey erectile dysfunction pill maker, at my age, I am really not up for 4 hours of anything...do you have something in the 20 minute range?

   I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . .

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.