Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.

   If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.

   Rolling st-o-o-one...wanna see my picture on the cover? Tried to kill 5 thousand with my brother. Sto-o-one...A desperate attempt to seem relevant. By some Dimwit at the Rolling Stone!

   When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?

   My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!!

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.

   Words of Wisdom - As you sow, so shall you reap.

   I'll wear high heels so it's easier for you to hit it from behind.

   If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   I saw a woman put a chunk of butter in her mouth. Then buttered her corn on the cob by rubbing it on her mouth. I think I might be in love.

   I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad

   It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.

   Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!