Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

   "F hash tags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets"

   i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   There should be a sequel song about needing a ride back from Funkytown.

   It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.

   Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.

   It's a wonder the human race has survived if we can't even adapt to Facebook UI updates.

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   All I wanted was one good Zimmerman status but nooooo you guy;s let me down : (

   God damn girl, you're a bag full of crazy, You seeing anybody?

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   Sorry for being a human being. I wanted to be a panda but I wasn't given the option.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.

   I always keep a cyanide capsule handy just in case my phone goes missing.

   I'm no longer looking for "Mr. Right." I'll settle for "Mr. He'll Do."

   Every man is entitled to his opinion but nobody is entitled to his own facts." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan