Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!

   Why when we goof up, we shout louder?!

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   I just found an old box of condoms in my dresser, than I noticed the "use by" date....... As if I'm not under enough pressure! It's been a slow year.

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   Sometimes girls can be funny AND hot without being psycho.... Kidding! Now come brush my hair before I burn your sh*t.

   You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Hey douche, how about I chop off your hands so you can really make the most out of your bluetooth headset?

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(

   There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11.

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.