Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like pulling a Joan wilder and out drinking a Sot in Cartagena.... anybody? Chirp chirp chirp... crickets really?

   According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.

   If you can't handle me at my worst....then I completely understand,because I can't either !

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?

   McDonalds is opening their first restaurant in Vietnam next year. McDonalds slogan "loving you long time"!!!

   Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice.We man just pee on the poop stains as hard as we can..

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   my family has Irish Alzheimers.........we forget everything except for the grudge

   Only a few things Reeses cups will not fix!

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing

   The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.