Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   I'm going to name my first two children George and Trayvon and make them share a bag a Skittles. Its my little way of fighting racism.

   Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an unlived life.

   I must say my Facebook experience has been made exponentially better by the larger tool bar at the top, and the notifications icons moved from the left side to the right side of the screen!!

   Funny how the word 'pro' is in progress, and the word 'con' is in congress.

   I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Thank you for the feelings, but I must politely decline.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   I'm a man. I've loved beautiful women. I've beaten other men in fist fights. But when my mama says she's proud of me, I'm 5 years old again.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

   Getting some always leads to wanting more.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   If a girl from Iceland. .an a guy from cuba have a baby ...is it an ice-cube.... lol.. ;)