Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Hey erectile dysfunction pill maker, at my age, I am really not up for 4 hours of anything...do you have something in the 20 minute range?

   I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . .

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.

   Does buying her a pair of shoes count as foreplay?

   Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.

   Michael J. Fox's new television show is getting some real shakey reviews

   It's "DRIVING" six white horses, dumbass.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

   I find it funny. If you find it offensive, that’s why I’m happier than you.

   how would you like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or you can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone

   There's nothing worse than finding out someone you hate has the same taste in music as you.

   Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.