Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad

   It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.

   Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!

   Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!

   George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again

   I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.

   This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..

   I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?

   How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....

   Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?

   If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."