Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as my dad always told me when I did something wrong: I will kill you with the help of the thing that I used to make you with!

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!

   Why when we goof up, we shout louder?!

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   I just found an old box of condoms in my dresser, than I noticed the "use by" date....... As if I'm not under enough pressure! It's been a slow year.

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   Sometimes girls can be funny AND hot without being psycho.... Kidding! Now come brush my hair before I burn your sh*t.

   You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Hey douche, how about I chop off your hands so you can really make the most out of your bluetooth headset?

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(