Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?

   Just watched the Selena Gomez "Birthday" video and now I understand why terrorists exist.

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.

   I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’

   Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''

   Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification.

   At church today we were asked to raise your hand if your a sinner! Girl raised both hands. I went to sit next to her.

   Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.