Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If looks could kill a trip to Walmart would be a once in a lifetime experience.

   If I die in a stripclub, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   I like to sit round a campfire telling ghost stories until I realise I'm on acid, the dwarves aren't listening & my kitchen table is on fire.

   what's for lunch? left over bacon from breakfast said no one ever.

   Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!

   Sounds like "PimpJuice" needs to take a refresher course in Pimpology 101

   I gonna have to find me a partner...I'm as hard as woodpecker lips

   Relationships are weird. What starts out as "You're funny and smart" eventually turns into "You think you know everything and everything is a joke to you."

   Karma means I can sleep at night, knowing that everyone I mistreated today had it coming!

   Our breakup was due to religious differences. She didn't think I was God.

   WARNING!!! Drug use may cause memory loss and....uhm....

   If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's

   just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!

   COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, that man is a wussy.

   You won't see my crazy unless I want you to see my crazy. That's how crazy I am.