Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.

   Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.

   Taco Tuesday is great and all, but I can't wait for Sloppy Sex Saturday.

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.

   I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.

   If Hillary was President, Air Force One would be a Broomstick.

   Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.

   Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.

   I saw Lebron James before the game and I asked him for change for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "Where's the rest?" He said "I don't have a 4th quarter."