Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.

   Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol

   "Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't

   Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.

   Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.

   How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??

   I'm extremely charming until you get to know me.

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   If you don't have an ugly person in your group of friends, it's probably you.

   If all is dishonestly truthful and deceitfully sublime, the dauntlessly delightful deliquescent shall bring maladjustment and malaise.

   I wonder if sex thinks about me as much as I think about sex

   Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"