Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always fun to mess with new neighbors. I told the new neighbor across from me "Well at least you made it longer than the last 2 tenants there. They both died there within 2 weeks."

   I'm going to call my congressional representative and ask them to sponsor a bill authorizing the use of drone strikes over the United States.... as long as we can control them from our smart phones and we can target anyone who cuts us off on the freeway.

   "that new iPhone $750? it better play dead if my girl touch it

   Yes, I have a girlfriend. Oh...wait, No...thats a fridge. I have a Fridge.

   Here is a joke for all of the mind readers out there....

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!

   My car horn sounds like I'm angrily squeezing a bath toy. Definitely NOT the effect I am going for when I get cut off.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   i want to listen to you, but i'm really thinking about snacks.

   The only acceptable excuse for not being drunk on a Saturday night should be poverty.

   The most impressive miracle Jesus performed in the Bible was how he just went from 12 to 30 years without anyone noticing.

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   washing her laundry does not count as making her panties wet.

   I hate waiting until I'm dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.