Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli

   Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September.

   Men & Women view the world differently. Men view the world as it is, women view it by whatever they make up in their minds and expect men to figure it all out.

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss. Anyway, his name was Jeff... and he's a Seahawks fan

   I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

   After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

   These "Superhero" movies really crack me up when they reveal their secret identity to their girlfriend... As if the first fight they have she's NOT going to blast on Facebook "Peter Parker is an A$$hole and he's really Spiderman"....

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.

   A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior

   Simon Cowell is worse than cow dung and dog vomit combined.

   Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   My last words on death row will be "Thank you."