Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

   First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.

   To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge.

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.

   All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   things that will never be said #2638: "Boy that Steve Bushemi sure is a good lookin fella"

   Not sure which has gone more viral on facebook. Pics of cats, or cups of cappuccino with hearts drawn in the foam.

   I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?