Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   Talk is cheap. Unless your a rap artist...

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!

   Never touch a guys computer, unless you're on birth control.

   I hate women who hate innocent women and invade their privacy for their animal instincts.

   Fat people are harder to kidnap.

   Oprah, you don't need a purse, you need a mumu!!

   George Lucas loves himself some dark chocolate.

   T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   Well, I'm no geologist...but that looks infected.