Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...

   Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.

   If you have to fight someone’s love then you’ve already lost that battle.

   I'm a good idea in theory.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."

   Women are like alarm clocks. They won't shut up until you hit them.

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....