Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...

   My teeth are so white, they had slaves in the 1800s.

   If Nike made condoms, would their advertizing slogan be "Just do her."?

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   Some females have more drama than a van full of drag queens on their way to a wig sale.

   Yep, you would worship anything because you are dumb.

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say "Hey look! That one looks like an idiot."

   I would worship God, even if there's no Heaven.

   When you live in Syria and the only way out is going to Iraq...you are in great sh**

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot that worked.

   no wonder it took Wentworth Miller 5 yeats to perfect a perfect Prison Break...

   Porter Ridge. For those times when Turtle Man just isn't back-woods enough...

   I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker... This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs