Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   I'm the guy who would give a dying man a bottle of whiskey and some kind words. Knowing I'd get the whiskey back in a few minutes anyhow.

   People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"

   Girlfriends are like songs. No matter how much you love it, if you hear it all the time it will eventually drive you nuts.

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   Yes girl you can cook, give great head, have a great sense of fashion, are kind, beautiful, sexy, and have a great smile but can you twerk?

   In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.