Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a bustle in my hedgerow; what do I do?! - feeling alarmed

   If being bad is wrong then I'll never be right... guess my guidance councilor did know what she was talking about after all.

   I am one lucky lady......I am told several times a day that I am sweet, divine, and tasty.... Thank you Candy Crush!

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   JAB: I woke up all excited this morning, got dressed to go to work,it's Friday: Pay day and than I realized, I don't have a job and went back to bed. . .

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I think my mind has lost me.

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   "Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   in Ben Affleck's version of Batman. Bruce Wayne's parents kill themselves

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   OK. I can understand why you are mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Hey Carl, know what day it is? It's Friday. Woot woot. Suck it Carl.

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   It is bit unsettling how these ads on FB target you. Saw one today that said something like this: "Young, hot women looking for over 50 guys that are under 5"8" with symptoms of ADHD!" Sign up today!!"