Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   You haven't lived until you've been thrown out of your favourite restaurant.

   I've never got tired of loving people. I do get tired of putting up bullsh*t, dogsh*t, catsh*t they show after getting the attention.

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   Remember, it's not gay if its for a promotion!

   Bathrooms are weird. Why does the $hit room have a solid door but the jackoff room has a glass door? I don’t care if my wife walks in on me while I’m crapping…

   Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that's why we have a problem.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".