Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM

   Congratulations to Michael Jackson on 4 years of sobriety!

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   Education should be free for all people willing to learn!

   To skip any youtbue ad just change ‘youtbue’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.

   There’s “hell” in hello, “good” in goodbye, “lie” in believe, “over” in lover, “end” in friend, “ex” in “next”, & “if” in life.

   Missing someone has been proven to cause insomnia. Being frustrated because you’re without that special someone keeps you awake.

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.

   Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   Sooooo turtles don't eat pizza?

   I ran into a women at the grocery store. She was wearing a tshirt with the word GUESS written across the front. I said 34C. My face still hurts.

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   Technically, it isn't pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.