Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?

   That one ex you don't want the world to know you dated.

   When will one of our Allies step in and help us out ? Obama has done more damage here than any weapon of mass destruction ever could have !!

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?

   long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall

   My Syria plan: Give weapons to both sides. Let them annihilate each other. Smoke a cigar with Benjamin Netanyahu....

   "We're so in Love." - People that I hope get hit by a bus.

   Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)

   Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.

   My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense

   When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.

   I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I need it to make sure I don't have a bad time...

   Looks like someone thought it would be a good idea to let the jester rule the kingdom again.