Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd pay to watch certain people burn alive in some mega corporate sponsored stadium event.

   Shout out to the FBI agents watching my Facebook

   when I try to solve a hard crosswword puzzle I try nor to get 2 down

   So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

   The media is a weapon of mass destruction....

   *US soldiers wearing Crocs invade Syria* Obama: Well technically I said no boots on the ground.

   I am terrified of women who refer to pets as their "kids" and themselves as "mommy"

   If I'm going to be last on your list, then you can go ahead and just take me off of the list...

   I was thinking about taking up Jiu Jitsu but then I remembered...I carry a gun.

   I like to keep my enemies at bay. Guantanamo to be exact.

   Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

   What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   Another lawyer TV series and I start strangling cats.

   My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm dating an animal :(

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   If the snow wears white in Winter why can't we?

   Purposefully wearing white today. My level of badassery knows no bounds!

   Purposely wearing white today... the thug life continues.