Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   Imagine how much more seriously Jesus would've been taken if he rode around on a stallion and not a donkey.

   If girls didn't need guys there wouldn't be a 'man' in woman.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   Maybe if I took my problems to the gym they'd work themselves out.

   Don't confuse the words “poisonous” and “venomous.” Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…

   It's really crazy that you don't heara round of applause every time youorder a salad.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   This went from the funniest site to the worst site fast

   What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   How so you fit 4 gay guys on a stool? flip it over

   I am so homophobic that I don't even like touching myself.

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Sunday night Football on NBC, Al thinks Chris is as gay as can be

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree