Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dentist told me I need a crown I was like..pfft! I know right should've been given one years ago.

   Snookie Kardashian?

   Women who get breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   The cause of the inferno at Jersey Shore has been determiined, Apparently Snookie Kardashian had mistaken rubbing alcohol for sex lube.

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   Anyone up for a Zombie FlashMob around Halloween time? Start with"Thriller" dance then if public doesn't like...flip the switch it becomes a Zombie Invasion

   Could you be more specific when you say "...or else"

   My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.

   How different would the world be if Jimmy Buffett hated Margaritas?

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩

   Well what'a you know...it's nappy hour!!

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.