Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.

   My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."

   I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.

   Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar

   On a cold night, to make a campfire, all you need is a match, kerosine, and a baby.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde and locked in my basement.

   My girlfriend's bra is even harder to take off when she's yelling at me and I'm wearing it.

   Casper Wyoming considered a ghost town?

   My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the bar. So I've started smoking.

   Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

   Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.

   I went to an orphanage and not a single orphan was singing. I assume that's why they're still there.

   There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken

   Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.

   all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese

   I'm not an economist, but I think I could make a lot of money selling drugs.

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...