Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so sick of this nonsense, where my blankets hang off of my bed like a messy sandwich.

   After 6,000 selfies you'd think we get it, you think you're hot.

   What is Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing himself in Spanish?

   Have you ever turned off your alarm and gone back to sleep for just a few more minutes but end up waking up 48951 centuries later

   This banana tastes like I cant afford a pizza

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   How does Ice T order an iced tea without sounding like a douche?

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   " Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole. "From a hygiene illiterate!

   Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

   I brought a salt shaker to a gun fight; to add salt to injuries.

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   Who is the idiot that called it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   After lots of research I've come to a conclusion that women live longer than men to make up for the wasted time trying to park.