Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   The cause of the inferno at Jersey Shore has been determiined, Apparently Snookie Kardashian had mistaken rubbing alcohol for sex lube.

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   Anyone up for a Zombie FlashMob around Halloween time? Start with"Thriller" dance then if public doesn't like...flip the switch it becomes a Zombie Invasion

   Could you be more specific when you say "...or else"

   My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.

   How different would the world be if Jimmy Buffett hated Margaritas?

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩

   Well what'a you know...it's nappy hour!!

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   People that can sleep with their clothes on are the real psychos.

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.