Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7

   Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.

   Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.

   Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.

   Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.

   If you use any of these terms, "Hi, Guy"-"My Hubby/Wifey" or "Veggies"...go fark yourself.

   Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

   If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.

   People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper.

   A real girlfriend loves & understands you, cares for you, accuses you of things you didn't do & tells you who you should be friends with.

   100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.

   Statistics show that 50% of people get tattoes solely for the purpose of diverting attention from their ugliness.

   You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?