Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   God never made a smart atheist... even tho many of the fools claim to be

   After reading an article entitled, “The 7 Weirdest Birth Control Methods Throughout History” I don't have any questions about where STDs might have come from anymore.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"