Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.