Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   What kind of wine goes best with laundry?

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   Instead of not giving a sh*t, working from home has allowed me to have a great conference call with Senior Management while taking a sh*t.

   Definition of "irony" getting pregnant on a pull-out couch

   Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment

   Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...

   I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.

   Gov. Chriatie pledges $15mil to repair NJ boardwalk. Will raise money by going on a diet...

   Tebow remains unsigned. God delays game once again.

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.

   and maybe learn to use the right kind of bale also!

   Francis Bean is 21 years old. Sleep on that, universe.

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Don't eat glass. Trust me on this one

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.

   Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're proably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!