Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.

   I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   "Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!"

   On acid, strobe light going, Slayer cranked, "The Exorcist" on mute, Misfits face paint, erect, playing Ouija, naked w/ a knife. Come over!

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.

   Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.

   This sex may be recorded for training purposes.

   I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.

   No one ever wants to feel tied down by someone, that's why you give them drugs first so they don't feel a thing.

   The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y

   Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Your girl sends you nudes and she ain't holding the camera then you betta start asking questions bruh.

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke