Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're O.C.D and you know it wash your hands

   My shoes always come untied, so I used my ear buds and they tied themselves in the most complex knot without even touching them!

   Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.

   Hey Lorenzo, go home you are borin.

   According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!

   I bet a lot of people in Congress are hoping for a Kanye appearance today.....

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*