Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   I only drink to forget what I was about to say.

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick

   I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.

   i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..

   When I was a kid..They didnt call it ADHD.. They called it you getting a whoopin' you little brat!

   Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!

   At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!

   Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   it's funny how that guy gives us Americans enough credit to know who Nina Davuluri is.

   Still trying to figure out how that guy with a neck tattoo in that p orn I watched earlier got employed at a law firm.

   Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.

   You know your life took a turn for the worst when you get interviewed for a job opening by someone old enough to be your grandchild.

   Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked!