Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!! 
I think Miley's tongue is trying to escape...
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.
I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.
How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...
If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...
With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex
do snitches still get stiches under obamacare?
To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to get replaced.
Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.
No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks
I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.
In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.
I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.
"Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up." 