Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.

   I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.

   Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   The curvy girl gets the worm.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...

   Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...

   Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.

   Time heals all wounds. Because eventually you will be dead.

   A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.

   This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?