Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

   We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

   "Tom Clancy - Dead at 66". I've not read that one, do hope it's as good as his other books

   The gov't shut down hurts all the way to the top. Today, Obama could only afford to play mini golf...

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   Miley wanted to perform topless at the VMA's. Thank God she only performed a$$less...

   MY BROTHER HAS BEEN STUDYING the CIVIL WAR....he went Gettysburg to walk the actual scenes of the battlefield....but the gate was LOCKED.....unfortunately the history of our nation's fallen heroes is not priority for some leaders.. ..MANY believe it is mo

   PS3 user B.Obama_69 has been playing GTA online constantly since the government went into shutdown. Coincidence? I think not

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??