Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw one of my friends on Facebook post a status like. MY DAUGHTER MUST BE SO POPULAR I HEAR PHONE VIBRATING ALL NIGHT.. A okkkk its not a phoneee

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the alcohol I've drank...but then I drool mid thought and realize...nope.

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   What does a NY Giants fan do after his team wins? Turns off the xbox and goes to bed.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.